


I'm So Sorry Adam

by faerierequiem



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-28 05:26:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10824699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faerierequiem/pseuds/faerierequiem
Summary: Gansey is going to die. He knows that.But this. This was never supposed to have happened.





	I'm So Sorry Adam

Gansey is going to die. He knows that. Even before Blue finally told him the truth about St. Mark’s Eve, there’s a part of him that’s always known that a long life would never be possible for him. The past 7 years are years he has stolen from Noah. A life based on the death of another will never last. It’s baffling to him that he’s even gotten this far. He’s supposed to have been dead ever since he was 10.

But this. This was never supposed to have happened. Adam dying, _dead_ , because of him. Gansey doesn’t know if he’ll ever stop crying. His hands lie helpless at his sides. He wants to touch Adam, see if this is actually truly happening. He wants to clutch Adam to him and never let go, but he doesn’t deserve to touch Adam, so he stares down at Adam’s lifeless form through blurry, teary eyes.

Ronan’s voice sounds from next to him, miserable and sickened. “Are you happy now, Gansey? Is this what you wanted?”

 _No,_ Gansey thinks. _Never. Not this. I was supposed to be the only one who dies. Me. Not Adam._ Me. _It’s my fault. I should have never gotten him involved. None of them should have. I should have stayed alone forever. I should have never have been given a second chance._

From somewhere behind him Blue is sobbing, her breaths broken and uneven.

Pain explodes across Gansey’s cheek as Ronan punches him, knocking him backwards. “Fucking answer me goddamn it! I hate you, Gansey! I loved him so much. I would’ve done everything I could for him. And he loved you instead, you bastard! You should’ve treated him like the most important thing in the world. You should have _protected_ him! And you didn’t. I can’t fucking believe it. You don’t deserve him! You selfish–”

Ronan’s voice cracks in a terrible way. His punches come to a stop. All the fight has left him. This is a sadness powerful enough to consume anger.

Gansey lies there on the forest floor. This is a sadness powerful enough to numb every nerve in his body. He can taste the blood in his mouth, but he can’t feel anything else. It’s as if Ronan didn’t even lay a finger on him. The pain has faded away so fast. He can’t think. He doesn’t want to think.

“Come on, Blue.” He hears Ronan getting to his feet.

Time passes slowly, but then he hears the sound of Ronan grunting and sounds of leaves crunching and shuffling and– “NO!” He sits up, stares at Ronan, who is lifting Adam onto his back. Blue doesn’t look at him. Gansey doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about anything else as he lurches forward and grabs Adam’s limp hand in his.

Ronan stops, eyes widening and livid in warning, but the quiet threat is useless.

Gansey doesn’t let go. “Please,” he pleads. He tightens his grip on Adam’s hand. “Don’t take him away from me, Ronan. Don’t.”

“I’m not listening to you anymore.” Ronan shakes his head and looks away in disgust. He says, bitterly, “I should have never listened to you.”

For a moment, Gansey wants to leap to his feet and pull Adam off Ronan. He doesn’t care if he will appear crazy. He holds his breath and almost gets to his feet, but then he looks at Adam’s hand in his. He remembers all the times before: Adam holding out his hand to help Gansey onto his feet, Adam reaching for his hand as he whispered “I love you”, Adam clutching his hand to keep him from falling when there was danger.

None of which Adam will ever do again.

Slowly, Gansey’s fingers slip down from Adam’s. He falls to his knees.

_Adam is dead._

Ronan and Blue leave. Gansey never takes his eyes off Adam and even though he already has, he memorizes the details of Adam’s brown hair–only a touch away from being blonde, Adam’s cheekbones flecked with freckles almost invisible against his skin, Adam’s shoulders that he tried to keep squared even when he was tired, Adam’s soft mouth, Adam’s closed eyes, Adam’s neck and back and hands and thighs and ankles. Gansey takes in all these parts of Adam and tries to piece him back together, but he doesn’t succeed. Adam will never be whole again, because of him.

When Ronan and Blue disappear out of sight with Adam’s shattered body, Gansey presses his face into the dead, autumn leaves and cries.

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote this two years ago and it was for something else, but looking back over this I realize it also turns the tables on the vision Adam saw in the Cabeswater tree (hence Ronan's opening dialogue). ((Spoilers for The Raven King: Although now that the series has ended and all, we know how Gansey was saved and so the same thing could happen here.))
> 
> If you tumblr, check out the fanfic here: https://faerielament.tumblr.com/post/124536874296/the-raven-cycle-im-so-sorry-adam ~ and reblog/like!


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